A week ago this morning, I was pulling on a pair of jeans, listening to "Lead, Kindly Light," and wondering why, on this of all mornings, my roommate had to be home to hear my sobs.
It felt like someone had died.
I could think of several things I'd rather do than live this day, the first in a series of days that would become a future that now looked so different than the one I'd started to plan.
My serious boyfriend had ended our the relationship the night before. It'd been a complete surprise, coming just hours after we'd road-tripped to meet some friends, he'd said he loved me, and we'd made Valentine's Day plans. We'd spent the holidays with each others' families and he'd given no sign, to anyone, that anything was wrong.
Regardless, one long drive home, one forcibly optimistic Facebook post, and a few fitful hours of sleep later, I was awake, back from a run, and wondering how I'd make it through the day's classes without crying. You can take pictures off your walls in an instant, but that doesn't erase the memories from your mind, the love from your heart, or your name from his family's weekly email list.
But, GUESS WHAT?
I didn't die. Or gain 10 pounds. By Tuesday, re-contracting parasites no longer seemed preferable to being broken-up-with.
By Wednesday, I was laughing when I told people how he started the break-up conversation holding my hand.
And by Friday, I was jammin' to this song, which I recommend to all broken-up-with women everywhere. (Can we just take a moment and talk about how cool Mikey Guyton is for being a classy, black, female country singer?)
In short, I was immensely blessed this week. I also learned that breaking up can be good for you. Some of the physical benefits:
- You can leave abs out of your gym routine for the first few days, since crying works the same muscles.
- If you like running to reduce frustration, you'll cover more miles with more ease than in previous weeks.
- You will absolutely not feel guilty for eating cake/donuts/comfort food of choice (and your caloric intake will be low enough from all the meals you're not hungry for that it really won't matter).
- You find out who your friends are.
- You will probably find out that you have amazing friends. I can't begin to thank everyone who reached out to me this week. On the evening of the first day, I made a list in my journal of all the people who had messaged/texted/offered donuts/hugged/teased/Facebook-posted/gotten mad at boys for me/otherwise reached out. I just kept writing and writing, name after name! That was so humbling. I may have wanted one particular person to be there for me, but when he w/couldn't be, everyone else in the world was. It was beautiful.
- You will feel much closer to God. The Savior asks that we offer up a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I'll be honest, during the last couple of weeks in my relationship, I had gotten a little too comfortable, a little too content. My prayers were less sincere and earnest. The break-up that changed real fast. Heavenly Father suddenly became my best friend, the one who knew exactly what I was going through, who felt the weight of every one of my tears, who elevated my thoughts beyond rom-coms and ice cream, forward and upward, into an understanding that there is something better out there. When I was compelled to be humble, I realized how merciful God is with me, how patient, and how much he truly loves and has a plan for me.
- Being broken-up-with also made me more compassionate for others. Now, rather than floating dreamily through my own privileged life, I was forced to feel pain, which caused me to more acutely feel and experience others' pain. Case in point: there's an older man who volunteers at the temple; week after week, he stops and begins a refrain in tired conversation about how he knows my grandparents. This usually makes me annoyed and impatient, since (confession) I'm often running late and absorbed in my own world. But, this week, when I saw him arrive at the temple and pull his clothes bag out of the backseat of his car, where no one ever fills the passenger seat (since his wife died several years ago), tears started welling up in my eyes. I remembered how it feels to be lonely, and recognized how much harder it must be to be an aging widower than a young, freshly single lady. I like to think I've been kinder this week, more in tune with the Savior's suffering and grace, more apt to apply the Atonement.
- Another benefit of breaking up, if you feel the kind of gratitude toward others and God that I was blessed to feel, you'll want to serve. This desire to turn outward to others will bandage up your own pain and heal it better than can be imagined. A determined optimism won't hurt, either. For example, I had planned this 14-day Valentine's love-fest thing for my boyfriend. Every day in February leading up to the 14th, I was going to send him an email with something I loved about him or a good memory we shared together. When the relationship ended, I looked at the outline for that project and huffed and puffed. Then I realized that God had blessed me with a lot of love for one person; even if I couldn't show that love to the intended recipient, I could show it to someone! I didn't have to let the love wither away. So, I planned to do 14 days of #ShareGoodness, serving or bettering the world in some small way each day. A week in, my calendar shines with the proof of my service, reminding me that an ended relationship isn't the end of the world, or my worth.
Someone told me that going through the five stages of grief is a thing people do after break-ups. I definitely passed through denial, anger, and bargaining, all in one week. I'm going to try to skip right through the depression stage and make it all the way to acceptance.
Maybe this blog will help. :)
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